How to Stay Calm (and Sane) Through Their Storms
We love our teens.
And yet—sometimes they drive us crazy.
One moment they’re sweet and funny, and the next they slam the door, roll their eyes, or snap back with words that sting.
Many parents tell me, “I try to stay calm, but before I know it, I’m yelling too.”
That’s what I call catching the teenage virus—we “catch” their emotions instead of regulating our own.
Why It Happens
Research in developmental neuroscience shows that during adolescence, the brain’s prefrontal cortex—the part that manages planning, impulse control, and emotional regulation—is still under construction.
Meanwhile, the amygdala, the emotional alarm system, is on high alert.
So when your teen reacts with intensity, it’s not manipulation—it’s biology.
Our brains are wired to mirror emotions. The same neurons that help us empathize can also make us “catch” the stress or anger of others—especially from the people we love.
That’s why, when your teen shouts, your own nervous system may jump into fight-or-flight mode before you even realize it.
What Helps
The good news: you can train your brain to stay steady.
Parent-teen regulation is a two-way street—when we stay calm, their nervous system begins to calm too.
Here are a few strategies backed by research and practice:
- Pause before you react.
A deep breath, a sip of water, or stepping into another room can give your nervous system a reset. Even a few seconds of pause reduce cortisol and help you respond instead of react. - Name what you see, not what you feel.
Try: “I can see you’re upset right now,” instead of, “Stop being rude!”
Validation doesn’t mean approval—it tells your teen, “I see you,” which lowers defensiveness. - Remember: it’s not about you.
Their storm is often about their inner chaos, not your parenting.
Holding that perspective helps you avoid taking things personally. - Model repair.
If you do lose your cool (and we all do), circle back later:
“I didn’t handle that moment the way I wanted. Can we start over?”
This teaches accountability and emotional repair—skills they’ll carry for life.
The Bigger Picture
Staying calm when your teen isn’t doesn’t mean being passive or permissive.
It means being the grounded anchor they can rely on when their emotions feel too big.
As Dr. Dan Siegel writes in “When parents remain emotionally present, children’s brains literally wire for better regulation.”
So next time your teen’s emotions surge, try this mantra:
“Someone has to stay calm—and it’s going to be me.”
Closing Thought
Parenting teens isn’t about perfection; it’s about presence.
When we stop “catching” their chaos and start modeling calm, we become the emotional mirror that teaches them resilience.
Because what our teens need most is not a perfect parent—
but a steady one.
