Do you sometimes find yourself disappointed or even deeply hurt by the behavior of your partner, your teenager, your child, or your boss? Maybe your teen rolls their eyes and slams the door, or your partner forgets something important to you. Maybe your boss dismisses your input in a meeting. In those moments, you might feel frustrated, invisible, sad, or even furious.
You’re not alone.
These reactions are deeply human, and they often stem from two core psychological dynamics: expectations and the illusion of control. Let’s explore the research behind these emotions—and most importantly, what tools we can use to regulate them.
Why Do We Feel So Hurt?
1. Expectations as Emotional Triggers
Expectations are natural. We expect our children to listen. We expect our partners to remember our birthday. We expect respect from our supervisors. But when reality doesn’t match these expectations, disappointment sets in.
According to cognitive behavioral theory (Beck, 1976), our thoughts and beliefs shape our emotions. When we believe, “He should respect me” or “She must be more appreciative,” and reality doesn’t align, the emotional reaction can be intense.
The stronger the expectation, the greater the emotional impact of its violation.
2. The Illusion of Control
Psychologist Ellen Langer coined the term “illusion of control” to describe our tendency to overestimate our ability to control events or other people’s actions. We may believe that if we say the right thing, act lovingly enough, or plan perfectly, others will respond the way we hope.
When they don’t—we feel powerless. That sense of powerlessness often fuels our frustration or anger.
What Can We Do About It?
Here are five evidence-based tools to help regulate our emotions when expectations go unmet or we feel out of control:
1. Name It to Tame It (Dan Siegel, 2010)
When you feel an emotional surge, pause and label the emotion: “I’m feeling disappointed,” or “I’m angry because I felt ignored.”
MRI research shows that naming emotions activates the prefrontal cortex—the rational brain—and reduces activity in the amygdala, the brain’s emotional center. Simply naming what we feel can reduce the intensity of that feeling.
2. Reframe Your Expectations
Challenge the automatic thought: “He should have done X.” Instead ask, “Was that a realistic expectation?” or “Is it possible they had a different intention?”
Cognitive reappraisal, a strategy backed by decades of research (Gross & John, 2003), helps reduce emotional reactivity and increase emotional resilience.
3. Practice Radical Acceptance
Borrowed from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (Linehan, 1993), radical acceptance means fully accepting things as they are—not as we wish them to be. This doesn’t mean approval—it means releasing resistance.
Acceptance allows you to respond wisely, instead of reacting impulsively. It’s the shift from “This shouldn’t be happening!” to “This is painful, and it’s happening. How do I want to respond?”
4. Regulate Through the Body
When our nervous system is dysregulated, it’s hard to think clearly. Try:
- Breathing techniques (inhale for 4, exhale for 6)
- Progressive muscle relaxation
- Walking or stretching
These activate the parasympathetic nervous system, calming your body and mind (Porges, 2011).
5. Set Boundaries, Not Control
We can’t control how others behave—but we can control our responses and boundaries. For example: “If yelling continues, I will take a break and talk later.”
Boundaries help us protect our emotional well-being without trying to control others—a key principle in healthy relationships (Cloud & Townsend, 1992).
A Final Thought
When we let go of rigid expectations and the illusion that we can control others, we make space for real connection—and less suffering. Emotional regulation isn’t about suppressing your feelings. It’s about understanding where they come from, and learning how to respond rather than react.
You are not weak for feeling hurt. You are human.
But you are also powerful—because you can choose how to work with those feelings.
Need support with expectations, relationships, or emotional overwhelm? I offer compassionate, culturally sensitive counselling in English and Hebrew. Let’s connect.
